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IGAD shrinks recommend: Machar not to be left alone with Kiir for more than 1 minute

An IGAD-formed specialist committee of highly qualified psychiatrists tasked with the secretive psychological evaluation of rebel leader Dr. Riek Machar have submitted their report and have concluded that although ‘the subject (Machar) has demonstrated some remarkable ability to suppress his personal dislike towards Pres. Kiir… it would be unwise to leave the two adversaries alone and unobserved for longer that one minute.’

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Military tank and a helicopter found in Gen. Hoth’s Melbourne mansion

Authorities in Melbourne, Australia have revealed that a state-of-the-art amphibious military tank and a helicopter have been ‘found’ in the perhaps-soon-to-be-seized $1.5m (500m SSD) Melbourne mansion of the 22-year-old eldest son of Gen. Hoth Mai – the former Chief of General Staff of the South Sudan’s army.

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Pres. Kiir declares 30 days of mourning following the death of TGoNU

President Salva Kiir has declared a period of one month of mourning following the death of the Transitional Government of National Unity or TGoNU as it’s more commonly known. Flags will be flown at half-mast and to end the mourning period a solemn ceremony will be held on the last day where a coffin full with pretend money symbolic of what has been achieved during this period and it will be buried next to our founder in chief John Garang.

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Rebel alliance claims attack on personal assets amounts to a violation of the ceasefire agreement

The new alliance of opposition forces has filed a strong worded complaint with IGAD – the regional body trying to mediate a peaceful settlement in the world’s newest nation – accusing the government in Juba of another ceasefire violation after a series of seemingly non-violation associated but highly damaging attacks launched by Juba against interests directly and indirectly related to the members of their group.

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My rebel movement is not like the rest, explains Malong

General Malong has revealed that his newly formed rebel movement is unlike any of the other rebel movements as his mission is not to overthrow the government in Juba, but rather to remove all those bad elements surrounding and corrupting the good name of the president, and to restore to former glory the revolutionary and visionary President Salva Kiir who he says 99% of South Sudanese voted for and trusted to lead the people to the promised land.
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Kiir’s Press Secretary hijacks Radio Miraya to read out new MTN telephone numbers

Following the shutdown of the telecom firm Vivacell, Ateny Wek Ateny – the Press Secretary in the Office of the President- is said to have ‘hijacked for some minutes’ a talk show of the UN-sponsored Radio Miraya to read and repeat a long list of new MTN mobile telephones numbers (private and official) of himself, senior government officials, institutions and some JCE members.

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