How contracting malaria make drunkards live longer (photo:
How contracting malaria make drunkards live longer (photo:

A recent study into why some chronic drunkards live longer than the average foot soldier concluded that drunkards who occasionally contract malaria are more likely to outlive their drinking mates who rarely fall sick or contract the deadly mosquito-transmitted disease.

The study was conducted by the Bureau of General Unsorted Statistics (BOGUS), an often independent (but sometimes government backed) research and statistics organization that regularly carries out studies on similar differences.

Until now, malaria is notorious for the cause of the death of millions – not saving lives – and the study by BOGUS portraying it as a redeeming killer is bound to be questioned by those trying to eradicate it.

But the researchers at Bureau said the final results only included those drunkards who contracted malaria and survived. A few who passed away during the course of the study were not included as they could no longer be reached or contacted by the end of the research.

According to our resident expert on all matters Dr. Kak Akwa, the research and its findings is not surprising as it makes perfect sense.

“Malaria and other diseases that have become less lethal to these drunkards are just like punctuation marks in their doomed lives. They are all going to die, contracting the disease has only bought them a few weeks to recover from one evil and be killed by the other”

It is just like saying a soldier in the front-lines who occasionally ducks in the trenches to reload his gun is more likely to outlive those who do not duck to reload.

A similar study in India concluded that new malaria medication heal those parts of the kidney that are normally damaged by extensive alcohol abuse. As such, a recovering drunkard is likely to have a rejuvenated kidney that is likely to withstand some abuse.

The data of those drunkards who died of malaria during the research has been added to another study showing malaria as the cause of early deaths among drunkards.